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Courtesy of Onion.com...
Regular maintenance will make your automobile safer to drive and extend its life, saving you money in the long run. Here are some tips to help you keep your car in tip-top shape:
Oil is a non-renewable resource that's bad for the environment when wasted. Drive your car until it is completely out before adding more.
Always drive with all four wheels.
Bungee-cord your front bumper to your neighbor's rear bumper to save on gas and engine wear. Keep insisting it's a coincidence that you're going the same place. If he or she asks where you are going next, say you haven't decided yet.
Use a high-pressure hose to periodically spray slippery, dangerous vomit off floormats.
Find a mechanic who takes the time to change your car's velocity-extension belt and Jupiter rings, which many mechanics often overlook.
To extend the life of your car battery, keep it in the refrigerator when not in use.
In times of engine trouble, putting your fist through the dashboard probably won't fix the malfunction, but it will let your car know how you feel.
To prevent skidding, place flower-shaped anti-skid stick-ons everywhere you will be driving.
Good, responsive brakes are crucial. Be sure to clear out the heap of Egg McMuffin wrappers from under your brake pedal so you can push it all the way down to the floor.
Carry a blanket and a jug of water with you in case you ever need to have sex at a wayside.
When changing your brake fluid, remember to dispose of any excess fluid properly. It might be inconvenient, but there's no excuse for not drinking it all.
Your car's tires should be rotated regularly, or the car will not go anywhere.
Be careful of radiator-fan blades, which are extremely sharp and spin at 5,000 rpm. Put your fingers in slowly and carefully, and pull your hand out at the first sign of blue, or "arterial," blood.
When at the gas station, remember not to operate a cell phone near the pumps. The full-service attendant might experience a fit of class-consciousness and beat you to death with it.
Everyone knows women know nothing about cars. Get a man to help you.
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