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Let me say first that I have a BA in psychology, so I'm not going to try and diagnose anything. But I have worked in the human services field since 1997 (both mental health and mental retardation sides) and feel like I've picked up a few things that may be helpful.
There is no question that this person's behavior is not normal. It all seems to be deceitful, delusional, and obsessive over certain things (unfortunately, your girlfriend seems to be one of them).
#1--People with mental health issues can be lazy, mean, unhappy, angry, etc., and it is not always tied to their mental health issue. I know normal people who are lazy, who are mean, etc. The mental health stuff probably makes it more pronounced, but once they can deal with the mental health stuff, they could still be lazy. There's a difference between character traits and mental health issues. I don't know if you'll find that in a psych textbook, but it's my personal conviction after working in the field.
#2--Some individuals with mental health issues will use any personal information you give them. This guy seems to be a good manipulator of people. Starting now, you and your girlfriend need to start to filter any information that you tell him, if you continue to speak with him at all.
#3--What to do next? You can't excuse his behavior because he has a mental health problem. We all learn best from the consequences that come from our actions. He needs to learn that his behavior causes people to not be friends with him any more. You also need to protect yourselves. If he is this obsessed with your girlfriend, he could do some crazy things. Previous suggestions are good--email filters, new email addresses, I'd even suggest an unlisted phone number in Texas. Most importantly, your girlfriend needs to cut him off--she could send him a final email explaining why she won't email him anymore, but the interaction needs to stop.
#4--Do you want to help him? Emotionally, it may not be worth it for you any more. Don't feel guilty about it--you already helped him achieve something he wouldn't have otherwise (even if he did cheat his way through). A condition of your friendship needs to be that he starts seeing someone on a therapeutic level for his problems. If he isn't willing to admit he has problems, then you can't be friends.
Hang in there, your compassion is noted, but make sure you don't allow his problems to overwhelm your life, too.
Urby
posted by 65.105.13...
, Tue, 5 Apr 2005 03:55:04
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