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So stop asking for a hatchback, otherwise we will end up with a Saaztek.
I can see it now......
GM Press release, Detroit, MI. March 2004 For immediate release:
GM ANNOUNCES PLANS FOR 2 NEW SUVs FOR SAAB LINE
Due to the overlap in vowels between the SAAB brand and a certain sport utility vehicle manufactured by its Pontiac division, GM is introducing the SAAZtek, the modern idiom of the Swedish four door utiliy with the famous rear hatchback.
"The traditional SAAB enthusiasts bemoaned the demise of the hatch concept and since we had thousands of Pontiac Azteks sitting on dealer lots for the past few years, we rebadged the Pontiac and threw that turbo thingie on it for the SAAB consumer" said Debra Kelly-Innis, Saab's chief operating officer. "SAAB enthusiasts like turbo thingies and hatches" said Ennis.
"Besides, we had to recall all the Azteks anyway as the full size SUV spare tire mounted to the hatch was too heavy to permit lifting the hatch and when it could be raised, the multifunction lifestyle roof rack/tent limited its travel, so the co-branding exercize made sense from a timing standpoint. " Ennis continued. "We are pleased with our achieving a corporate goal of utilizing common parts where possible; we have a huge cost savings here on nameplates due to the common vowels that the two name share" Ennis explained, "essentially a new car for the development cost of a plastic nameplate". The Pontiak front end, which resembles an animal snout, will receive special paint treatments to make the SAAB front fascia appear to be the sinister Griffin of SAAB lore.
"We also plan a high performance model called the Vegan" said Ennis.
"This should hold us over until our deep discounts from MSRP, free maintenance, lease incentives and low rate financing programs kick in to give GM the liquidity to develop the SAAMMER, a fully dimensioned SAAB SUV based on the HUMMER" Ennis said. "That way the hatch concept can be extended to a more logical and profitable platform for GM." The SAAMMER is expected to be a premium priced upscale four wheel drive vehicle suited for dense inner cities or suburban sprawl, day care drop off/pick ups and the challenges of the shopping mall parking environment. The higher cost is attributed to the lack of shared vowels in the nameplates between the SAAB and HUMMER lines. Ennis's plans also call for affinity programs to increase profits, such as pink SAAMMERs for Mary Kay salespersons.
Questions should be directed to the GM Co-Branding Marketing Team office at (800) WHY-SAAB.
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