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(really long) Way OT: Grad school mistake, need your Posted by bender [Email]  (#268)  [Profile/Gallery]
(more from bender) on Wed, 28 Sep 2011 20:19:24
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wisdom. I find this site to be a place where I come to whenever I need a break from anything. I try to contribute what I can, but most of you have much more life experience than I do. I'm facing a difficult time in my life and wanted to share it hear to see what some of you might have to say.
I graduated with a B.math. It took me five years. From the very beginning I was unsure of myself with every respect of my degree, thinking I made a mistake. My first year went well. So well that I received the award for the highest marks on both of the required first year math courses. In my second year, I switched to economics and finding it too easy and not as precise as math, I eventually made my way back into may (not without some difficult lost-in-confusion times crying to my mother). I ended up taking some 'non honours' math courses that still satisfied the requirements and I ended up finishing 'with highest honours' which to me means little. It's what is written on paper that 'looks' like a lot. Maybe I'm discounting the positives, but I'm no genius and it wasn't all that easy, and some of those 'non-honours' courses weren't all that hard. Anyway, the point is I never felt I achieved what I could have and it didn't matter too much because I was out of there.
I then applied for a Master's degree, without much thought because it would be a ' productive thing to do' and film school (yep, I know, film school) 'cause I love films and want to make them or at least be part of some production. I ended up rejecting my Master's (at the same school) and decided I'd work for a year to save money for film school (lots of thousands of dollars and very far from home). I found out that a job was a) hard to find b) I barely have any practical skills and c) making so much money isn't that easy. I found a job that I was way overqualified for, hated every minute of my day and wanted to shoot myself. I did that for 6 months. Sometime during this time, I realized I couldn't allow myself to go to film school for something that may not end up paying off. I applied for a Master's degree in computer graphics 'because doing a master's degree is a productive way to pass the time' at one of the best graphics departments in the country (Canada). I got in as a late applicant, fully funded.
Needless to say, I always always always had doubts within me but kept on fooling myself by saying "Well, it's far better than a POS job that you hate, you'll get a Master's degree and you don't have to spend money. Plus, graphics will get me into a desired direction"
Now, having started, I am realizing that I've been right all along (even though it's just the beginning of the semester), I have little to no interest in research and all of this theoretical stuff ( I mean, I love math and would do it in my spare time...but that's all) and programming and I feel like I'm in a dream that isn't actually a dream, but should be. I feel like I don't want to do this, already, only a few weeks after the start. I feel like I fooled myself and am already thinking of dropping out. I'm thinking 'What the hell will a Master's degree give me in two years from now, doing something that I know isn't what I want to be doing? It'll look good on my resume? Give me a higher salary? Make it easier to find a job?" Sure, maybe, but what if I don't like what I'm doing and am completely unhappy? I don't actually want to just find a job and do just that. I'm actually one of those people who WANTS to work hard and enjoy himself producing results while having an impact, rather than living my life as a bystander. It's that I'm COMPLETELY LOST and have been for a long time. Now, I've let money fool me and reel me into the wrong direction and I feel completely lost.
I know lots of you, if anyone actually makes it this far, will say "In this economic time, you'd be in a better position to have a Master's degree." Maybe, sure, but to me I think, it'd be a second mistake. Kind of like an extension of my undergraduate. I'll graduate and have two degrees but still be in the same boat only 2-3 years later (i.e. little to no practical skills, etc). What I really want to do is go to a college and learn something that I enjoy, very practical (movie producing?) and valuable to my interests. Why didn't I do that from the beginning? When one sees all of the money you get, for being a Master's student at one of the best departments, you compare that with college and think "I'll do this first, and then college."
I could ramble on, but I think you get the point.
Sorry for the long post. It's been a difficult day. I'm almost twenty-four and a half, and I feel 'loster' than ever.
If only I could be home now driving my Saab....
Bender.
_______________________________________ bender 2001 9-3 Viggen Laser Red 5 door 44k miles 2000 9-3 SE Midnight Blue 5 door (Sold)
, Wed, 28 Sep 2011 20:19:24 <-- Viewing This Message, Fri, 30 Sep 2011 16:47:18
, Fri, 30 Sep 2011 21:27:08
, Thu, 29 Sep 2011 10:09:13, Fri, 30 Sep 2011 21:42:47
, Thu, 29 Sep 2011 21:01:44
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